So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Randomize
