oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Randomize
