I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
