Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
