youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
