i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
