So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
