I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
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