I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Randomize
