I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
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