I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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