Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize