Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
