Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Randomize
