oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
birth control should be required to get into college
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Randomize
