I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
