I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
