I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
