wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Text me some of your sweat
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Randomize
