I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Randomize
