JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
