I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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