I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
