if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
