Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
