Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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