True but thats because hes a fetus.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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