Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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