When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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