I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
