just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Randomize
