i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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