woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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