so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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