Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Randomize
