LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
