If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
