Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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