God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
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