i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
