Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
