i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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