Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
