I looked at my own cervix.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
