I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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