can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
