I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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