Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Sorry my hands just texted you
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
