omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
