drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
