four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
