Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
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