Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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