I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
