when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
