I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
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