Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Randomize
