I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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