I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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