The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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