I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
