This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
