I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
