YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
