kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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