Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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