you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
