pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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