I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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