Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
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