I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
