Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
