So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
