The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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