There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
