On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Randomize
